As I nursed Beckett for what might be the last time, I couldn't help but wonder, what if... What if I kept going? What if I could stay home? What if I had enough patience? What if there was more time in a day? Would any of those things have changed my mind.
For weeks, well really since he was born, I was contemplating whether nursing and pumping would work for us. For several weeks, it was...kind of. My milk came in right away and he latched like a pro in the hospital (complete opposite scenario from his sister). I was on Cloud 9! Everything was going well. For the first week or so, we worked really hard to get into a groove - find the right position, what was most comfortable, how to nurse discretely. I was also pumping so I knew I would have enough for him even when I felt like I didn't. I was producing and pumping more than he needed. Within 6 weeks, I had started a good stash of frozen milk and he hadn't had an ounce of formula (except the second night home- I got a little nervous that he didn't have enough and he had a half ounce). We were doing it! So what went wrong???
I started to hate pumping and I didn't think strictly nursing would be a good idea for me. I hated being tied to the pump and the clock. I would nurse for 45 minutes. He constantly fell asleep and wouldn't wake up for 5-10 minutes then want to nurse again, just to fall asleep. After he would become satisfied, I would pump for at least 20 minutes. Every feeding became at least an hour maybe longer. Take that times 7 or 8, and your day is gone. Maybe if I was a first time mom who didn't have to take care of a 3 year old, a dog, a house, a husband, and knowing I would have to return to work, that wouldn't have been an issue. However, I started to realize how much the decision I was making was affected the rest of my family. Is it fair to give so much time to one member of the family? I understand he is a newborn and cannot take care of himself, however, after the time spent feeding, changing and bathing, not to mention cat napping, there was no time for anyone else.
It was with a heavy heart and a long conversation with my husband that we decided, I decided, the benefit for one was not worth the sacrifice of others. At 8 weeks old, we began to wean Beckett and me. It was a fast process. I stopped pumping for 45 minutes at a time and went to 20 minutes. I nursed more than I pumped. Within 1 week, I was down to nursing only.
We are now 10 weeks out. My frozen stash is dwindling and Beckett has been receiving formula. It is still heartbreaking to know that I was doing it. I was providing him with everything he would need. But I am relieved that I no longer spend 6-8 hours feeding him a day. I get to spend more time with Cambry and Tyler. I get to focus on more things, not when the next feeding or pumping session will happen. I am free. No longer tied to the pump and the clock. I am tied to my baby. We have a bond and he is happy and healthy. I am focused on my family. We can leave the house whenever we want and I don't have to worry about engorgement or whether I brought enough milk. Life just became more simplified.
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