Costuming Overload

I love crafting and DIYing.  However, I rarely find time for it anymore. But when it comes to my children, I must always find time for it!  This past week has been a week of costumes and dress-up.

Wednesday was Monster day at the library, as well as a photo shoot for story time at the library. So...My little girl wanted to be a purple googly-eye monster. Mission accomplished!  We found large purple pompoms at Michaels.  We used a pink headband and purple pipe cleaners to finish off the headpiece. Her shirt was just a purple youth shirt that we glued the goggly eyes to using a permanent fabric glue.  She asked for it to be in the shape of a heart! To top everything off and make it extra fun, we braided her hair, tied them into rings and sprayed her hair entirely purple.  The lighting is not great so it is hard to see, but I think that was her favorite part!

Saturday was the Pirate Party at the library.  How could we resist dressing up like our favorite pirate from Jake and the Neverland Pirates?!  Izzy was a very simple costume.  Luckily we already had purple pants and brown boots.  We purchased the pink shirt and bandana from Michaels and the gold hoops from Walmart. Since the shirt was a little big for her, we used the bottom seam of a white t-shirt that we were turning into rags to be her belt - it definitely added what we needed to make her look more like a pirate for free!!  I made the pixie dust bag using felt and ribbon and a small plastic bag of salt to give it body.  She was so excited to be Izzy, she immediately started running around the house yelling "Pixie dust away!"

Our final costume project was an addition to her Halloween costume.  She, along with 80% of all little girls, will be dressing up as her favorite Disney princess - her choice, Anna from Frozen.  How can I make her costume a little more unique since it is store bought (a gift from her Gramma and Poppa for becoming a big sister!)? I decided she needed a special treat bucket.  Who better than Olaf to accompany her trick or treating!  This was really simple, especially since I found the white bucket in the Target Dollar Spot for $3.  A little felt and some large googly eyes, and I think we did it!

We are super excited about fall and Halloween!!

Don't cry over spilt milk....

I did tonight - a lot and uncontrollably.  I was thawing Beckett's bottle (he only had 3 more full breastmilk bottles left).  When I went to pour the bag into the bottle, it slipped right out of my hands and poured all over the counter.  After cursing myself, I quickly grabbed paper towels and began soaking it up.  As pathetic as I am, I then squeezed that milk right into the bottle.  I worked very hard for all that milk and all that nutrition for my son.  He is going to get every last ounce he can.
After I handed the not quite full bottle (I think I ended up losing a full ounce and a half) to his dad - I walked straight into my room trying to hide the tears.  They kept coming. I would stop them, go back out to do something, look at Beckett and the tears came back.  I have tears as I type this. I have tears because I am angry at myself for quitting so soon, for not continuing. I could've done it for at least 2 more weeks full on, then weaned.  I have not felt so emotionally torn and exhausted for a long time.  I know Beckett is healthy and that is my main concern, however, I am a mom who cares a great deal.  It meant the world to me that I was able to provide for my son.  I know there were so many reasons to discontinue pumping, but there were also many reasons to continue.  I know I made the decision with and for my family and myself, but some part of me wishes things were different. I wish I had more time to be just a mom and nothing else. I found out this past week that in Bulgaria, mothers are given 3 years of maternity leave, with pay (90%, then 80%, then 70% each year). 3 years to nurture their child.  I admit that 3 years may be too much for me but maybe not if I knew I would be financially fine, guaranteed my job upon return, and able to focus solely on my children and husband - not counting down to when I had to go back to work and how that would work for me trying to provide for my son.
They say "Don't cry over spilt milk..." Whoever said that was not a woman who was trying to provide for their child. It was probably a man, who didn't understand the amount of work, effort, and most importantly, love that went into every little drop of breastmilk.  I cried, and I cried a lot.

30 minutes

30 minutes. That's all I ask.  I would like 30 minutes a day to go for a walk by myself. 30 minutes to sit in peace and quiet. 30 minutes to read a book, surf the web...30 minutes to not have a child attached to me or crying and everyone looking at me to make it stop.  30 minutes.  I NEED 30 minutes.  It's all I ask.
I will take the other 23 hours and 30 minutes of the day to take complete care of the kids, clean the house, make dinner, do the laundry, and anything else that may need to be done for the day.  But please understand that although I am a mother and a wife, I am also a woman, a person who needs time to be herself and focus on herself.  So when I ask for my 30 minutes, please don't frown at me or make a rude comment. Try to understand that I know you, too, are busy and tired and need time for yourself - but it is all I am asking for.

Our last time...

As I nursed Beckett for what might be the last time, I couldn't help but wonder, what if...  What if I kept going? What if I could stay home? What if I had enough patience? What if there was more time in a day? Would any of those things have changed my mind.
For weeks, well really since he was born, I was contemplating whether nursing and pumping would work for us.  For several weeks, it was...kind of.  My milk came in right away and he latched like a pro in the hospital (complete opposite scenario from his sister).  I was on Cloud 9!  Everything was going well.  For the first week or so, we worked really hard to get into a groove - find the right position, what was most comfortable, how to nurse discretely.  I was also pumping so I knew I would have enough for him even when I felt like I didn't.  I was producing and pumping more than he needed.  Within 6 weeks, I had started a good stash of frozen milk and he hadn't had an ounce of formula (except the second night home- I got a little nervous that he didn't have enough and he had a half ounce).  We were doing it! So what went wrong???
I started to hate pumping and I didn't think strictly nursing would be a good idea for me.  I hated being tied to the pump and the clock.  I would nurse for 45 minutes. He constantly fell asleep and wouldn't wake up for 5-10 minutes then want to nurse again, just to fall asleep.  After he would become satisfied, I would pump for at least 20 minutes.  Every feeding became at least an hour maybe longer.  Take that times 7 or 8, and your day is gone.  Maybe if I was a first time mom who didn't have to take care of a 3 year old, a dog, a house, a husband, and knowing I would have to return to work, that wouldn't have been an issue.  However, I started to realize how much the decision I was making was affected the rest of my family.  Is it fair to give so much time to one member of the family?  I understand he is a newborn and cannot take care of himself, however, after the time spent feeding, changing and bathing, not to mention cat napping, there was no time for anyone else.
It was with a heavy heart and a long conversation with my husband that we decided, I decided, the benefit for one was not worth the sacrifice of others.  At 8 weeks old, we began to wean Beckett and me.  It was a fast process.  I stopped pumping for 45 minutes at a time and went to 20 minutes.  I nursed more than I pumped. Within 1 week, I was down to nursing only.
We are now 10 weeks out.  My frozen stash is dwindling and Beckett has been receiving formula.  It is still heartbreaking to know that I was doing it.  I was providing him with everything he would need. But I am relieved that I no longer spend 6-8 hours feeding him a day.  I get to spend more time with Cambry and Tyler. I get to focus on more things, not when the next feeding or pumping session will happen.  I am free.  No longer tied to the pump and the clock.  I am tied to my baby. We have a bond and he is happy and healthy. I am focused on my family.  We can leave the house whenever we want and I don't have to worry about engorgement or whether I brought enough milk.  Life just became more simplified.

My Limit

I have reached my limit. I am mad at myself for reaching it.  It isn't fair to anyone, especially her.  I have been home since May 26, that is roughly 150 days.  150 days of being home, playing the same games, doing similar activities, listening to her same stories, having her voice continually ring through my head.  I should be cherishing our time together - and I did at first.  I really did and I still do.  But I have reached my limit.
I always thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  That was before I became a mom. I idealized the moms that got to stay home everyday in yoga pants and go to all their kids' activities, spend the afternoon at the park, and just able to be there with their kids.  Little did I realize the behind the scenes - what really goes on at home all day when it is just you and your kids. I love my children dearly - every precious dirty toe to every tangled strand of hair.  They are my world. That being said, I don't know how long I could stay at home.
When I became pregnant with Beckett, I knew I wanted to take the full 12 weeks maternity leave I was allowed.  I wanted every moment with him that I could get (I still do).  I want to see every sweet gummy grin and every smelly diaper.  I want to be there for all his firsts. I know I missed out on some of those things with Cambry. I thought, 'How perfect.  My leave will kick in right as my summer is ending. How wonderful would it be to have all that time lumped together with Cambry and Beckett?' Now, with only 2 weeks left of maternity leave, I am starting to feel relieved.  Relieved that maybe when I play matching game with Cambry, I will enjoy myself again and relax letting her be more of a kid.  I think that I will enjoy her running around telling the same story she told someone else in their company.  I think that I will just enjoy her again.  The way she deserves me to.
I don't feel guilty for taking 12 weeks.  I have enjoyed being with Beckett and watching him grow (it happens so fast).  He is a completely different baby from the day I had him.  I feel guilty for resenting Cambry.  For taking out my frustrations on her. I can see the heartbreak in her eyes when I yell at her and yet, she reaches her arms out for me when she gets hurt.  I can see the heartbreak in her eyes when she knows I am disappointed in her, yet she demands hugs and kisses before I leave for a 5 minute trip to the store. I can see the heartbreak in her eyes when I am tending to Beckett and I don't look at her when she asks, yet she still happily comes running to help me change his diaper.  She adores me and loves me even when I don't show her the same adoration and love constantly.
I don't think I'm a bad mother.  I think I am doing what I can. Could I do better? We all could.  Do I still admire those moms that stay at home? Of course!  I think they are amazing for being able to stay at home with their kids day-in and day-out and not get committed. What I have realized is that I have a limit.  I was not meant to be a stay at home mom.  I was meant to be a working mom.  A mom who loves her children to the moon and back and would do anything for them and their happiness.  However, I am human.  I will make mistakes and wish I had done some things differently.  To Cambry, I love you more than you could ever know.  And I hope one day, when you are a mom of two, you too, will have a limit and understand that I always loved you.

Home Life

Since Beckett's arrival, I have been at home with both kids.  My parents stayed with us for a week which was great!  I was able to nurse and pump and take care of Beckett, while my mom took care of the cleaning and cooking and Rick entertained Cambry. The next week, I was on my own - short lived though.  Tyler's brother Brendan moved in after returning from Costa Rica.  That was fantastic!  I was again able to nurse and pump and take care of Beckett while Cambry was fully entertained!! I did have to pick up a little bit on the cooking and cleaning!  Thank goodness for freezer meals!!

At about 4 weeks old, we decided to take some family photos.  Thanks to Tyler's step-mom, Jodi we were able to get some wonderful pictures taken at Grinter Farms Sunflower field. She took a lot of great photos for us.  I just wish we would have gone in the evening so the sun would be at our backs but they still are wonderful! Here are a few of our favorites!

Our family photo

Beckett at 1 month!

 Tyler found a fuzzy caterpillar that made Cambry's day!  That grin is hysterical!!

Our two precious babes!

You can see more of Jodi's work at Jodi Jackson Photography. She did all of Cambry's photos - Poor Beckett and the 2nd child syndrome.  I promised I wouldn't be that way, but he is also a boy....double standard???

Hospital Times

There truly is a second child syndrome - not just for parents but for hospital care teams.  When we had Cambry, we were constantly being bothered and harassed it seemed.  Everyone said to get rest but they kept coming into your room.  With Beckett, we were left alone.  Beckett stayed in our room and they only came in to take vitals or when we called for them.  It was peaceful and stress free.
I enjoyed having Beckett in our room.  It made nursing him easy and comfortable.  I was able to take in my newborn, just him and me. I wanted to cherish all my moments with him since I knew he would probably be my last newborn.
Cambry arrived around 8 am with my parents. She could not have been more excited to see her baby brother.  You could tell she had fallen in love with him immediately.

We were in the hospital for a total of 36 hours with Beckett (this does not count any of the labor).  The hospital staff said there was no need to rush but yet no need to stay since everyone was doing so well.  Tyler was anxious to get home.  He was only given Thursday and Friday off and had the weekend. Getting home on Saturday was important for us as a family and we missed our princess.

Around 2:00pm, we dressed Beckett up in his best and headed home. It was exciting to head home as a family of 4.  A family of 4! That's what we are!!

Beckett's Arrival

Beckett James Jackson was born on August 8, 2014.  He came to us in perfect exhausting fashion at 12:25am, weighing in at 8 lbs 6 oz, 21 inches long.  He was beautiful! Blond hair and blue eyes.  My perfect son.

His story:

I went in to the doctor on Wednesday morning.  We were planning to induce that Friday so I went ahead and asked her to sweep my membrane.  The thought of being induced scared me a little so I wanted to try and boost our chances of avoiding that.  Wednesday night, in the middle of the night so super early Thursday morning, I felt leaking.  I waited until Thursday morning to call the doctor.  They had me come in the check if my water had broken.  My mom met Cambry and I in the doctor's office.  I was tested quickly and was told the results would take an hour.  It was close to lunch time so Cambry and I went to the food court where we met my step dad, Rick for lunch.  As we were finishing up and heading to the water fountains, I got the call.  My water had broken and I was to go directly to the Birthing Center!  I did a happy dance and giggled and told Cambry she was going to have a baby brother!!

Cambry and Rick went with me to check in.  Once we got our room, Rick and Cambry went to retrieve my bags.  They met Tyler on the way.  We called all the necessary people to let them know it was happening that day.  

Since my water had broken already, they decided to try to speed up the process since it had been at least 12 hours.  They put me on Pitocin.  I could feel the contractions getting closer together, but there was no severe pain.  Finally around 9:00, they came in and checked me. My water had only leaked, it never fully broke.  So the doctor, Dr. Moreano - not Durland (she was not available), came in to 're-break' my water.  Immediately after that the pain was intense.  I went from smiling and laughing to being bent over ready to throw up, I hurt so bad.  I guess that's what Pitocin is supposed to do...I immediately demanded my epidural.  That was the worse 45 minutes of my life.  Knowing the relief was coming was great, but having to wait for them to hook me up was horrible! 

Around midnight, the nurse came back in to check my progress.  She said we were ready!  It took 15 minutes for Dr. Moreano to come in - 1st push, they could see his head.  2nd push - I asked what color his hair was and Dr. Moreano told me to stop laughing because Beckett would fall out. 3rd push - he was here!  I didn't feel it at all!! They put him directly on top of me. He was gorgeous.  A perfect baby boy!  I was so elated and happy and didn't want to give him to anyone - not even for his stats.  

Eventually, I gave him back to the nurses.  They were all surprised by his size saying he was big for me.  I didn't notice.  He was mine and I was in heaven!

Back at it....maybe for now....

So...I suck.

It has been 6 months since I last posted.  So much has happened since then that I don't even think I could play catch up, so here in quick is a recap:
Cambry is 3 1/2.  She loves Frozen, playing games, and just hanging out.
Tyler got the job with Lawrence PD.  He is currently still training and will graduate from the academy in mid November.
I am on maternity leave!  Beckett arrived in August (read next post). I return to work in November....
Also, Brendan has moved in with us since his return from Costa Rica.

So, here I go again.  Trying to be amazing.  Lots on my mind and lots to talk about.  Many posts to come this week :)

Big Girl Moments

So, since the day she turned 3, Cambry has been completely independent when going potty!!  She is doing everything on her own (minus poop wiping)!! I am so incredibly proud of her!! 3 must be the magic number :)  For her first poop on the potty without mommy, I said we should celebrate.  I asked what she would like that is special and she said she would like fruit snacks. She can have one fruit snacks whenever she wants!! Last night, I was craving ice cream...remember, I am 21 weeks pregnant! I asked Cambry if she wanted ice cream, she said no, she wants a pouch.  Again, a pouch over ice cream???
It just goes to show that we teach kids that small things aren't good enough.  She is so happy to get a fruit snack or a pouch as something special even if they are things she could have any way.  She isn't asking for special candy or toys.  She hasn't crossed over to that point I guess... I am so proud of her for all she has accomplished and all her big girl decisions!!  We just need to hang on to them for a little longer!!
On another note, here is her most recent decision. She has been eyeing this since we set up the nursery and I finally let her play with it today.  She said it was for her baby doll, but I can see the true reason she wanted it out.  Reverting back to baby mode or just practicing for baby brother??



3 Years!!

My precious little princess is 3 years old and 1 day today!  We celebrated yesterday with friends and family and pink and purple cupcakes - per princess' request!  She is beyond well loved by everyone and received so many great things!  From board games and baby dolls, to pooping dogs with a Barbie (not mommy's favorite, but she loves it!), to money for her already established college fund through Learning Quest!  She has been playing non-stop other than when she passed out last night while playing:)
Although her birthday was a complete success, mommy had an epic fail and forgot to take out the camera.  Luckily, all her wonderful Grandmas had cameras in full force.  I am borrowing their photos they posted to Facebook;)

 

The cake sequence!! Blowing out her candles for I think the first time...! Last year, we did more of an open house birthday and totally forgot to light candles before the sweet treats!  She did absolutely amazing and enjoyed digging in!

 

Here we are opening presents.  She was so patient and made sure I opened every card for her before she opened the present.  It was so sweet and she loved it all!!

 

After the major festivities, several of the bigger kids (including dad in the black), decided to play a few rounds of PIG.  It was a beautiful day out!

 



Tyler and I keep talking about how crazy it is that she is 3 years old and thinking back to 3 years ago when we were in the hospital.  I remember it like yesterday.  The long Monday is labor and not delivering until 12:31am Tuesday morning.  The amazing feeling of holding her for the first time.  The excitement and horror of actually having a child to care for who solely relies on you, the heartache of the nursing struggles, the wonderfulness of my husband who was so supportive, and then bringing our baby girl home, just to have daddy's body shut down for 24 hours due to exhaustion of taking care of his girls in the hospital.  What a roller coaster!!

 

20 weeks and counting...

Today marks the official halfway point of this pregnancy!  YIKES!! It has gone by so fast, but I'm so ready to hold my baby!  A little boy will be different!  I am already looking around the nursery thinking, "Oh my...where's all the pink?!"  There will be no hair bows or tutus or pretty dresses.  I'm looking down the road filled with barber shop visits, sports shoes, and t-shirts.  I know that they make plenty of great boy things and I am truly excited to shop 'boy'. Everything is just going to be different.
After we found out what we were having about 2 weeks ago, I started on the nursery right away. First trip after the doctor's office was to Home Depot to buy paint!  We picked up a variety - Green Energy (PPU10-3), Mosaic Blue (PPU15-4), and Bleached Linen (PPU5-9).  All of the colors are Behr paint - I swear by it! I took pictures with my phone - not the best and the colors look much brighter in the picture than they really are! I swear!!

This is the east and south walls of the nursery.  The window is on the south wall.  I primed everything including the trim.  It was that golden color that was so well loved in the nineties.  BLECK! The chair I got through Scholastic.com with my earned points so it cost nothing out of pocket!! The pillow I got for $7 at Ross. Great prices are great things there!

The stripes are on the west wall and were a must! They really add something and are very simple to do with a laser level, a ruler and painter's tape!  I did get a little overly excited and assembled the crib and brought the swing and bouncer up from storage.  Cambry has been practicing with her baby dolls - so precious! She is going to be an awesome big sister:)

The closet is one of my favorite things right now.  I know it is far from complete, but I love the blue framed by white and green.  The white dresser and changing station really pop against it!  I primed and painted the dresser the same color as the trim.  I am in search of handles for it, just haven't made a decision yet.  Look for those in a later post;)

 

The only thing missing from this nursery is the linens and the baby! We have even started a diaper collection! We are definitely excited for our little bundle to come join us.  Now if only we could decide on a name....

Almost 2 Years....

So it has been almost 2 years since my last post.  All of a sudden tonight I felt the urge to start sharing my life again.  I know I was never an avid blogger and I may not ever become one.  I will be trying to blog at least weekly.... Maybe every Monday or something. Any how, let me update my life for you.

I am a 27 year old mommy to a 3 year old princess and a full-time kindergarten teacher.  I have been married to my high school sweetheart, Tyler, for 6 years and we are expecting our first son in August. We recently moved back to our home town which has been great, but I have been spending my time erasing the family that lived here before us.  There is something so wonderfully sick about the joy I feel as I paint a wall a fresh color erasing their memories to make room for ours!  I like to do DIY projects.  I prefer rehabbing furniture -  I love taking the old and ugly and making it look new and beautiful! I try to be extra crafty sometimes, but every now and then it comes back to bite me.  I hate cleaning so I am always open and looking for quick and easy ways to keep my house clean. I love to organize but usually struggle to keep things organized for more than the first week :) I am blunt about my thoughts and feelings and often say offensive things that I don't mean to be offensive- you just have to know me.  I am constantly working on my filter at work with parents....  I want to be trendy but I struggle with the fact that I am not in college anymore and I am not my mother.  I have a hard time finding the style that works for me.  I tend to treat myself with low maintenance but I have always had the desire to be awesomely made up everyday...I could, I just don't work for it I guess.  I think that covers the about me section.

Recently this is what I've been up to:
We found out we were expecting our second child in December. We had been trying since June and had one failed pregnancy. Just Monday, March 17, we found out we were having a boy.  Words could not express my happiness.  Another girl would have been great, but I feel as though a boy will complete our family, maybe...;) This past week I have been on spring break but have not taken much of a break.  I have been working in the nursery non-stop. Again, erasing the memories of the previous family and making room for mine! I will be posting pictures of the nursery after I completely finish painting.  I thought I was done and then decided to paint some more. That is another problem I have...I keep wanting more and have new ideas that I have to complete otherwise my mind will explode!
On another note, I have been planning my baby girl's 3rd birthday (next Saturday).  I am sad because she has grown so fast and excited to see where she is going in life.  Currently, she is fixated on pink and purple and princesses.  I am avoiding the Disney Princesses like the plague.  I want at least 1 more year of princess-less themed anything.  So we settled on a pink and purple theme.  Keeping it very simple this year - cake, ice cream, family, and a few friends.  It will be great! I will try to remember to share that moment as well.
I rely a lot on Pinterest for many of my ideas at home and in the classroom.  I don't teach from Pinterest, but I definitely find some great ways to teach concepts as well as lots of fun crafts for the kiddos. Every now and then, I might have a work post, but I plan to stick mostly to family - the important stuff :)