My Limit

I have reached my limit. I am mad at myself for reaching it.  It isn't fair to anyone, especially her.  I have been home since May 26, that is roughly 150 days.  150 days of being home, playing the same games, doing similar activities, listening to her same stories, having her voice continually ring through my head.  I should be cherishing our time together - and I did at first.  I really did and I still do.  But I have reached my limit.
I always thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  That was before I became a mom. I idealized the moms that got to stay home everyday in yoga pants and go to all their kids' activities, spend the afternoon at the park, and just able to be there with their kids.  Little did I realize the behind the scenes - what really goes on at home all day when it is just you and your kids. I love my children dearly - every precious dirty toe to every tangled strand of hair.  They are my world. That being said, I don't know how long I could stay at home.
When I became pregnant with Beckett, I knew I wanted to take the full 12 weeks maternity leave I was allowed.  I wanted every moment with him that I could get (I still do).  I want to see every sweet gummy grin and every smelly diaper.  I want to be there for all his firsts. I know I missed out on some of those things with Cambry. I thought, 'How perfect.  My leave will kick in right as my summer is ending. How wonderful would it be to have all that time lumped together with Cambry and Beckett?' Now, with only 2 weeks left of maternity leave, I am starting to feel relieved.  Relieved that maybe when I play matching game with Cambry, I will enjoy myself again and relax letting her be more of a kid.  I think that I will enjoy her running around telling the same story she told someone else in their company.  I think that I will just enjoy her again.  The way she deserves me to.
I don't feel guilty for taking 12 weeks.  I have enjoyed being with Beckett and watching him grow (it happens so fast).  He is a completely different baby from the day I had him.  I feel guilty for resenting Cambry.  For taking out my frustrations on her. I can see the heartbreak in her eyes when I yell at her and yet, she reaches her arms out for me when she gets hurt.  I can see the heartbreak in her eyes when she knows I am disappointed in her, yet she demands hugs and kisses before I leave for a 5 minute trip to the store. I can see the heartbreak in her eyes when I am tending to Beckett and I don't look at her when she asks, yet she still happily comes running to help me change his diaper.  She adores me and loves me even when I don't show her the same adoration and love constantly.
I don't think I'm a bad mother.  I think I am doing what I can. Could I do better? We all could.  Do I still admire those moms that stay at home? Of course!  I think they are amazing for being able to stay at home with their kids day-in and day-out and not get committed. What I have realized is that I have a limit.  I was not meant to be a stay at home mom.  I was meant to be a working mom.  A mom who loves her children to the moon and back and would do anything for them and their happiness.  However, I am human.  I will make mistakes and wish I had done some things differently.  To Cambry, I love you more than you could ever know.  And I hope one day, when you are a mom of two, you too, will have a limit and understand that I always loved you.